I want to start this particular blog by saying that I understand there’s potential for this blog to age terribly. I could look back at this and cringe and think how I was dumb, young and impatient. This is merely an insight into why I believe that I won’t get married or have kids.
It’s been very challenging not only to write this blog, but to self-analyse why I feel this way; deciphering whether it’s a figment of my imagination or reality. I’m also not used to posting something quite as self-serving/obsessed as this, but I want the blog for this site to help people learn about me. With that being said, let’s get into it and provide a look into my unconventional brain.
Believe it or not, I’ve never seen myself as someone who gets married or has kids. I grew up as an only child and I was a late bloomer in terms of developing an interest in girls. My dad used to joke that if I wanted to have a girlfriend then I’d have to share my sweets and as a selfish only child growing up, I wasn’t too fond of that idea. All jokes aside, I grew up quite independently and it’s led to a point where I’m fairly self-sufficient in terms of finding happiness my own way.
I loved sport, music and video games. What a revelation! A boy who spent most of his time playing PlayStation, listening to music and playing football. The difference in my case was that this arbitrary time where I was supposed to transition to dating girls didn’t really come along. I did have crushes on girls early on and my first real crush as a teenager led to a very embarrassing message of how much I liked the girl (top 3 cringiest life experience of all time), I just didn’t really ever have an official “girlfriend” until I was 18.
Going to an all-boys secondary school led to the natural conclusion that a lack of success with the opposite sex meant I had to be gay. I’ve written about this on another blog (Titled: “Have you heard? He Is…”) so I won’t spend too much time on the impact that’s had on me, but I do believe it’s the right place to start with regards to why I think the way that I do in my specific situation regarding love, marriage and kids.
Looking back, I think it led to a detachment with that area in my life. The pain it caused to consistently be told that I was lying about who I was and the fact I already had be unsuccessful with girls before meant that it was safer for my emotional stability to detach from the idea of a love life. It’s super unhealthy, but an effective solution to that pain. I compartmentalise my life and I see those areas much like stocks & bonds. The currency that I trade with is energy and the ROI on the “Love” stock was never worth the energy I was investing. So, I’ve stopped.
That’s not to say that I haven’t been seduced by the idea of opening my mind to something more than a crush here or there. The last time I planned a date, the girl said “I thought that you were taller when I last saw you” when I bumped into her on a night out randomly. The last time I actually went on a date, it went well, if only it wasn’t for the lovely, ambiguous “chemistry” that was lacking. That was almost 2 years ago. I’ve had crushes in the meanwhile and the feeling of unrequited romantic affection has left stopped me in my tracks before. I’m finally in a place where I cannot afford to be knocked off my path. I take real pride in that being the case.
They feel like the two main reasons for why I don’t believe I’ll get married or have kids, however they are just two of the bigger branches on the tree of my love life.
One final explanation into why I feel the way that I do is the fact that I think I’m going to eventually marry a mission & dream to living a life of service. That may be the most Capricorn sentence that’s ever left my mouth; it’s also very much the truest statement about me right now. I have some very high goals for my life in the next 3, 5, 10+ years.
I appreciate it’s not the healthiest mindset to have for a life, but I’m aware of the small amount of time that we are given here on Earth and spending any of it wondering (more so threating) about marriage and having children feels like a waste to me. When I envisage my life and the end, I don’t have the normal picture of a family and the white picket fence and that’s okay. I’m chasing MY dream, not anybody else’s dream for me.
Thank you for reading this and I apologise to anyone who was hoping otherwise. One love 🙂 x.